♥ LoveLane LoveStory ♥

Sayang , I need you to read this . And please don't be angry . I can't forgive myself . I promised myself not to hurt you . But I hurt you alot this time . I know you can't forget this . Even if you say you've forgotten , I know you are lying . You told me you can't sleep well the night after you heard about my secret . You kept on looking @ my pictures and you just couldn't believe that I did that . You cried thinking about what I did . When I heard about that , you made me cry . I totally regret doing that . I just wish I can delete what I did . But I know I can't . I know you've said you forgave me . I know that you are sincere . I know you will never take revenge on me . But doing that make me feel much more guilty and can't forgive myself . You let me off easily without even yell @ me or even breaking up with me . You just say that I'm forgiven and telling me to forget whatever happened . It's killing me . Tell me you hate me . Tell me y...

Hilman was sitting right next beside me while he was talking with his friend . I repeat , Right Next Beside Me . He turned back to me with his hand to his ear like a telephone and said , : Hello . : Huh ?! ( I burst out laughing ) # Yesterday , we were talking about ghost . So I asked him what if a real ghost call his phone . First thing obviously he would think it was a prank . Second thing , OBVIOUSLY he will , well you know . . . Vulgar tongue . And if it really continue , he said , : Orang semua report pat police . . . : Uh huh . You nak report pat police ? : Tak , I report pat masjid . LOL ! xD

Yesterday , Hilman and I sat under the trees , on a bench . He was in a "Jiwang" mood . He switch on "Izinkan Selamanya Namamu Di Hati" . Then , "Hanya Kau Yang Mampu" He sang all those to me . Until I switch , "Tak Selamanya Selingkuh Itu Indah" I said, :Ni lagu untuk you . :Kenape ? :Dengar je . "Betapa ku mengerti sebagai selingkuhanmu ku harus jalani ikatan yang tersembunyi ku mencoba bertahan meskipun menyakitkan tak menyisakan sebuah sesal di hatiku Selama aku bisa membuatmu bahagia berpaling ku tak mungkin singgahi hati yang lain sebatas harapanku mohon pengertianmu bahwa ku ingin memilikimu seutuhnya Seiring berlalu bergulirnya waktu membuka rahasia di antara kita pastinya kan ada hati yang terluka . . ." ( He cried after this ) : You , tukar lagu . : I'm really sorry . : Gangster gangster pun , satu hari akan nangis jugak . ( I wiped his tears ) Takmo uat lagi please you . : I won't

Happy 31st Month-sary ! Apparently we are still together . How can we ever break up when he love me so much and never letting me go ? Yesterday Hilman countdown to our month-sary . He said : Lagi 14 more minutes . : 14 more minutes to what ? : Lupa ? : Jap eh . (Finding my phone) : Today kan 15 . : Oh . Eh ? Hehe . Scariest thing happened yesterday ! AHN CALLED ME ! During I was with Hilman @ bus stop , going home . Can he wait till I take the bus and then call me ?! And how did he knows I get my phone back ?! Hilman told me to message him saying , not to disturb me anymore . Hilman asked alot of questions . I'm a drama queen . So I get way from everything . But my deepest secret is killing me ! @ the time of my month-sary , we were having fun talking craps . Until I asked him the 4th question , : What if dulu bila you belum betul2 sayang and I belum betul2 sayang you , I kiss a guy and sekarang bila we really love each other baru I bilang you . What will you do ? : I tanya you du...

Imagine I am the one who is in cell . What will you do ? Will you wait for me ? Will you enjoy yourself while i'm inside ? Will you go and find a new girl ? Why must you do this ?! Why can't you listen to me and stay out of trouble ? And now you are going in . Not only you who are suffering . Me too ! You hurt me enough . YOU DON'T LOVE ME !

I thought I will never think of breaking up . But I just did . How I wish one day you will tell me everything and never tell me lies . I know you have some secrets hidden from me . Secrets that you think it will hurt me . So, don't worry, everyone have secrets . I won't ask you if you don't want to tell me . Everyday I feel like our relationship are nearly over . Sooner or later you or I will ask for break up . I wanted to feel as if there are no problem between us . But when we are so happy and so sweet together, problem will attack us in just a little time . Why Hilman ? I want to be with you forever . But being with you like this till after marriage would be a problem . You can't just follow your friends everytime . My heart sometimes feel like breaking up . But I know it will hurt me so much if we break up . I don't know whether you will be hurt or not because you don't seem to care . You will start cursing me up and down if I do something wrong . But did I ...

You don't want to read this blog because it will hurt. This is where I can just release my hidden emotion from you . Everything that really hurt me , I wrote everything in here . You don't want to read because you don't care . You don't care how I feel . You don't care how it hurt me when you do stuffs I don't like . You don't care about me . You only know how YOU feel and never mine . Do what you want . I don't care too !

Thanks for taking care of me . You've been there for me for anything . Even you are there to hurt me too . :( I still cannot get over it .

This time is the last time I ever trying to believe you . You said : Kalau tak trust , balik sudah . Sure , I don't trust you anymore . Everytime I trusted you , you did it again . IF I AM NEVER GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU, WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE ME ?!!! You don't want me to leave you . But what are you trying to show me now ? I da sabar banyak you . You said : Whenever I da nak serious , diorang tinggalkan I . Dengan I you tak pernah serious ! You say you won't take drugs again . In the next week you took it again . You say you da tak contact pompan lagi . I gaduh with that stupid fucking maid because of you ! Never promise me anything if you can't do it . You pinjam maid tu sampai $500 . You even promise her you tak akan main2kan dia lagi . FUCK YOU ! This time you really hurt me to the MAX ! ! !

W e h a v e b e e n t o g e t h e r f o r 2 y e a r s , 6 m o n t h s , a n d 5 d a y s . O u r t o g e t h e r n e s s i n m o n t h s - 3 0 m o n t h s O u r t o g e t h e r n e s s i n w e e k s - 1 2 9 w e e k s O u r t o g e t h e r n e s s i n d a y s - 9 0 5 d a y s O u r t o g e t h e r n e s s i n h o u r s - 2 1 7 2 0 h o u r s O u r t o g e t h e r n e s s i n m i n u t e s - 1 3 0 3 2 0 0 m i n u t e s O u r t o g e t h e r n e s s i n s e c o n d s - 7 8 1 9 2 0 0 0 s e c o n d s W e ' v e s e e n 1 l e a p y e a r s .

Yesterday was at Hilman's house . Logging in my Hotmail, MSN and lastly Facebook . Hilman was okay while looking through my facebook . But after that . Hilman : Gi kenal2 dengan laki2 kat Facebook kau tu uh ! Me : You takmo uat I sot eh ! I was bad mood after that . I umm-ed and uh-ed Hilman everytime he tell or ask me something . : Kau bingit eh ? Shutting up . And again . : EH kau bingit eh ? *shaking my legs Again , shutting up . : Kau nak balik ? Same thing . : Kau nak balik kan ? Okay okay . Stared at each other till he reached the kitchen . # Void Deck . : Sekarang kau bingit dengan aku ni kenape ? Same thing , I shut up . : Sekarang kau bingit dengan aku ni kenape ?! *shouting : Bobal baik2 uh ! : Okay , kenape you bingit ? : You should know . : Pasal Facebook tuh ?! Eh , da terang2 aku main2 je kan ! He added, : And kau da tau aku memang tak suka matair aku ada facebook semua kan ?! Kau sama macam si pukimak tu uh ! Kau nak balik, pi balik uh ! Mak dia peh puki ! He walked ...

I messaged Hilman using Web sms . Me : Hello ! Hilman : Hello . You , tinggal dengan I boleh ? I da takle hidup tanpa you dengan I . : You minang I besok uh . : I nak you kalau I da kaya . : Sekarang pun I da dengan you . : I suami you sekarang and sampai mati kan ? Kan ? : Suami yang belum sah . : You !!! Busted seh ! You da tak sayang I ? : Sayang la . Tapi memang betul pe . You memang suami I yang belum sah ! # How can I say this loud and clear ? I LOVE YOU HILMAN !

He's gone . For awhile , maybe . I'm just getting ready for the real final goodbye . Final phone call . (29 Oct, Thursday , 10:30PM) Me: Can we talk ? Him: I penat and ngantok . I tidur dulu kay ? : NO! We. Need. To. Talk! : Pasal ape, sayang ? : What do you want to do with your life right now ? : I tak tahu . Yang I tahu I nak dengan you aje . : No, no, no. Have you ever think about your future ? : I tak tahu la you . I nak dengan you and kahwin dengan you till the end . : I'm not talking about this . I'm serious . Your kerja ? : I tak main2, you . I masih kerja pe . : Permanent job ? : I nga pikirkan la . Yang penting I sayangkan you . : No , you don't . Have you ever listen to me ? Did you ever stop the things that I told you to ? : I tahu I jahat . Walaupun I jahat , I tetap sayangkan you . You gi tidur okay ? Da malam . : I belum makan . : You takmo make yourself suffer just because of me . : You care about this . But have you ever care about how I feel ? How m...

I asked for break up yesterday . And I totally regret . When the time you hung up the phone on me after you said we are officially over , My heart sank greatly . Like there is nothing in my life anymore . It was really felt like my soul are gone . It was just a short time and I felt like that . What if you don't want me back yesterday ? I'm gone somewhere and I'm going to kill myself too . I'm sorry . And I will never ask that ever again . I love you sayang . I love you alot ! I love you too muccccch !

Everything just change too much yesterday . I feel like I'm with someone else . I want this to stay . Please . Hilman : Ini semua kuasa tuhan . Maybe ni semua balasan dia terhadap I Me : Balasan ??? Hilman : I banyak lukakan hati manusia . Tapi dengan you I lemah . Sayang I terhadap you kuat . I love you .

I am crying because I am too angry ! I am crying not because I am scared of losing you . My heart can't take it already . I asked for break upS but you did not reply . Even when I asked in call , you change to other topic . You know I am angry and want to break up but still you messaged me , 'Iloveyou' I thought you've change , but I thought wrong . SO MUCH FOR MY HAPPY ENDING ! This love of ours, it's so sad that it makes me laugh today . Hard to say , but it looks like the end ! Time's up Promise this time I'm getting off Better we slam the door shut ! Didn't you know if nothing changes then nothing changes ! LOVE IS LIKE A TRAIN . WE WAIT FOR IT EVEN WHEN IT'S GONE .

Biar I terus terang kay . I don't want a guy who can't support me in the future . I don't want a guy who is a drug addict . I don't want a guy who drink . But love make me blind . My love for you makes me not to care and accept for who you are . Do you know why I behave like that just now ? It's because I want you to change . If you love me , I know you will want to make me happy right ? I know your life is not happy , you said so yourself . It means I never make you happy . Do you need time to relax without me ? I can leave you alone for awhile you know . Tell me if you need it . *The message I sent to him . Read from the right page . This was just the day before we quarrel . I gave him 4 questions and he must answer it truthfully . It all just happen so quickly . S Y G Sayang Yang Gila .

HAPPY 28th MONTH-SARY :) Firstly, I like to thank myself for maintaining this relationship . Secondly, I like to thank, umm, myself for not accepting 'fake' break-ups . Thirdly, I like to thank, duhh, myself for making you realised that you need me . I guess that is all . Thank you very much .

It's in your eyes, feelings can't be disguised Cause the truth makes me want you to tell me lies My biggest fear is crying oceans of tears I would rather you not be so sincere How cold could you be? What would you do if you were me? I'm better off if it's a mystery Cause I don't wanna know If I kissed your lips for the last time Please don't say if it's so Tell my heart it's not goodbye And do this one thing for me Make up some stupid story tonight It's alright, keep your truth and tell me lies Something's not right, love is nowhere in sight I'm not ready to let go, it's not time How cruel could you be? Do say it's through least not to me I'm better off, leave it a mystery Cause I don't wanna know If I kissed your lips for the last time Please don't say if it's so Tell my heart it's not goodbye And do this one thing for me Make up some stupid story tonight It's alright, keep your truth and tell me lies Don'...

I know you love me . But you never shows . You said you are sorry but you do it again later . I need the $20 or else I won't have money for next week . You want me to understand your situation . Did you ever understand MY situation . YOU NEVER ! Get that ?! YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND ANYTHING ABOUT ME! ! Do you think you can marry me with this kind of situation ? You think . You are the guy . I'm disappointed !

You said you've change . You said you won't hurt me again . You want me to trust you when you said that . But ? You did it again and again . You still are hurting me . You have not change yet . How can I stop my negative thinking if you always like this ? I try to believe you but I can't . You make me like this . I love you Hilman , But not like this . If you promise me , please do it . I'm waiting for you to really change for me .

What is wrong with you ? What did I do to deserve all this ? Did I even hurt you ? Did I evev play behind your back ? I've been honest all along but what I deserve is this ! If you don't want to meet me anymore just say it . I don't mind hearing it from you . But when I choose to go , I'll go . You love your friends more than me . Yeah , of course la , you and them have been so long together . If you are ready to leave me please tell me . And still , my promise for you will still be a promise .

I give up on you . No more rules . I don't care what you want to do . If you still want to do it , go ahead . Look at them . Take their number . Kiss them . Make love with them . Then , fuck off . Only god know how angry and hurt I am . You said sorry but you do it again . You asked me to trust you when you said you won't do it again . But then the next day you do it again . What the hell are you trying to show me ? Are you trying to tell me that there are much more hotter girls than me ? If it is then go ahead and take them . I won't regret myself breaking up with a guy like you if you think there are much more hotter girls then your own girlfriend which you said you love . You said that if I have no hopes on you , you told me to get back to Zaim . What the hell ?! He is not in our topic anymore . And I will not get back to him . Because the one that I love is you . I love the guy who lies to me . I love the guy who promise me but never done it . I love the guy who like lo...

I LOVE YOU . BUT I CAN'T TRUST YOU .

Can you be there for me right now ? Your answer : No . My heart hurts without you around . You don't understand at all .

I told you to cover it up 2 years ago . TWO YEARS AGO ! I do want you to cover that name . But not when I feel like I am forcing you to do it . I want you to willingly do it for me . Not like you were forced and unwillingly doing it . That is what I feel . You told me like you macam nak, tak nak hilangkan nama tu . So seriously , I gave up . Your Money , Your Tattoo . Do what you want . Still, I love you .

You promised not to even look at other girls/woman . Next time don't you promise me anything if you can't even do it . Promise me something and you did not even do, it hurts a lot more . Remember we quarreled about you glimpsing at a girl several times ? It was actually your fucking fault but you shouted at me instead ! You don't know how bloody angry I was but I don't want to make things worst . YOU LOOK AT GIRL AND I'M THE ONE WHO GOT SCOLDED ?!!! What the hell ? This time , I don't want to care . You hurt me again . You promised to let me be happy . Again , you broke your promise . Go ahead with the one you love to stare at and leave me . If that make you happy , I'm speechless .

I am sorry for hurting you . I am sorry for not trusting you . I am sorry for making you angry . I am sorry for not believing in you . The most important part was I am sorry for hurting you . But sometimes you are the one who hurt me without knowing it . Let me list all of it . : you look at girls : you still have Lisa's name : you left me alone and go with your friend : you still take drugs when I told you not to ! Don't you realized it yet ? I love you Hilman but you never listen to me . :( Hais . .

I am sick . -Fever -Sore Throat -Running Nose -Body Ache -Headache I am scared of leaving you one day . I want us to at least get married before I die . Yesterday I cried because I was thinking about what if you die . I cannot live in this world without you . But what if I die ? What will you do ?

How can I go on with my life without you ? Tell me how ? I am thinking about you now . Thinking of what if one day you meet a girl and love at first sight ? Seriously , I cannot do anything . I will just cry till I die . I cannot live in a world without the love of my life . There are girls out there prettier than me . There are girls out there sexier than me . There are girls out there hotter than me . There are girls out there cuter than me . There are girls out there whiter than me . If one day you fall in love with any one of the girls , I promise you I will not change my mind about killing myself . I will really kill myself . If I can , I want to kill myself infront of you . I want to show you how much I really love you . If you don't believe me . Try to do it one day , and see you will be haunted by me one day . I love you too much .

You said all this : I nak uat apa2 semua untuk you . : I nak berubah . Taknak marah2 tak tentu pasal . Sekarang you marah I pun akan cakap sorry and senyum je . : I dah taknak kuatkan suara kat you lagi . I nak kasi you happy je selalu sekarang . : I sanggup buat apa2 untuk orang yang paling I sayang sekali . I takde niat jahat, dendam and apa2 lagi terhadap you . But when I asked why now then you nak berubah, you said . : Bukan dulu I taknak uat you. Jangan pikir gitu. Dari dulu I memang nak gitu dengan you. But takes time kan . Manusia tak terlepas dari kesilapan. I sayang you , Trust me. Then I asked what do you hate about me, you said . : Takde kebencian I terhadap you sekali pun. please jangan tipu I lagi, I tak suka . I have been waiting for you to be like this. I know one day you will berubah . And the day is today ! I want you to stay like this . I don't want you to change to the worst . I know there is something inside of you looking for a way to come out . And there you a...

For 3 days straight I was not able to sleep . I tried to think that you love me . But it was impossible . I got rid of Zaim who was my best friend . A friend who was there for me when you were mad at me . A friend who understood me alot when there were problems . A friend who care alot for me . A friend who I have been with for nearly 5 years . The only friend I could trust for my whole life . And I got rid of him because of you . I got rid of him as soon as possible because of you . Because I know I could still live without him . And because I know I could die without you . And you promised when I got rid of Zaim, you will change . But you did not . You were still the same . I was patient . I try to be but I just could not . At night I messaged you twice but you did not reply . I was bloody angry, so I messaged Nazeefah . At last when I told you what it was about , you wanted to know . It was about Zaim . You said I still need Zaim . I swear for my whole entire life ! I do not need hi...

Happy Two Years ! I love you .

I thought you love me so much . But I guess I thought wrong !

Why ? What happened ? Why did I became like this ? It is you . Your fault . You said : Why do you think I do not love you ? I asked : How do you know ? You reply : It is obvious . I answered (stammering) : Eventhough I think that way , I still love you . No , I do not love you like before . You made me like this . You said : I showed you everything to prove that I love you . What more do you need ? Before , you never showed anything . But now , I could list hundreds of thing you did . You changed , You changed so much ! You changed TOO MUCH ! You said : I love you a lot okay ! Yeah , now . Why are you like this ? It is because I asked for break , and you cannot let me go ? Or is it because you are tired of hurting me . You said : I promise I won't hurt you anymore . I reply : You know you cannot keep your promise right ? I am glad I said that to you . Since that day you promised , you are careful not to hurt me . I can see that . You said : You are considered the luckiest girl with...

You never want to leave me . I try my best to make you give up on me . But it does not seem to work . You kept on being patient at me . Why can't you let me go like you did with other girls before . And I knew the answer . It is so obvious but my heart always never want to believe it . You love me .

You scold me like I am a no one to you . I just broke your watch . The only thing I broke and you scold me so much ! But when your friend dirtied/tore/broke your stuff , you never even scold them ! Why ? Is it because I am a girl ? Or is it because you love them more ? Please eh you , I do not want to hear anymore STMF ! Yesterday I didn't want to go home . I was alone . Not with any other person . A-L-O-N-E , ALONE ! I am sorry for not going home straight . I feel so lonely and I feel like there are nothing between us anymore . I thought I want to go and hilangkan diri . But then I fikir balik . There is no use . I still want to live with you even if we quarrel . So I went home after a long thought . When I reached home , I straight to sleep . Then you called . You are so so angry and said, "Kau call aku kalau kau da okay . Aku tak suka kacau orang nga bad mood . Aku bukan anjing kau untuk call kau je . Aku cari kau macam satu peh anjing . Kau kalau dah okay kau call aku , ka...

My Darling Hilman , I love you a lot . My love for you is uncountable . But maybe we should go our separate ways . For YOUR own good . Not for my own good . My own good is having you here with me everyday . But for your own good never include me at all . I never want to break up with you at all . I never thought of leaving you . But when I think about our past , YOU like asking for break many times which I know that one day you would ask for the real one . Recently , I believe everything you say . I do not want to get hurt hearing the truth . So I accepted whatever you say . If is was the truth then its good . But if its a lie , then just keep it to yourself . I would never ask for break , I would never accept a break . Only if you are serious about it then I have no other way to go . You know you are my life , my heart , my breath , my everything . But I guess you never appreciate that . You always tell me to treasure something I have and do not ever made a mistake that could ...

I WANT BREAK UP ! BUT I LOVE YOU A LOT ! I wan to break up with you and I want to go leaving this world . I guess there is no use living in this world with guilt killing me . Waiting for the right day . I love you a lot Hilman !

He apologized to me a thousand times . He said , "You , I da minta maaf banyak kali tapi you masih marah kat I . You nak I buat ape ? Bunuh diri ?" Yea right . As if you would for me . Then he gave up apologizing since I never want to make up my mind . He said , "Okay , simple , kau nak uat ape kau uat . Mulut aku smpai berbuih bilang kau yang aku dengan dier stakat kawan . Kau nak revenge atau uat apa-apa kau uat la . Aku tetap sayangkan kau . Bye ." Still , I am mad and never will cool off . I am sorry Hilman if it ends like this . I know you will call me later and we would be back to normal . Normal ? I do not think so . Even if we are okay , but this time it would not be like before . You told me you cried perspiringly when you dreamt about me asking for break . HA . HA . Whatever . I love you Hilman , I guess this is the end of our previous love life . After this would be our new love life .

Finding out the truth sometimes hurt . All you can do it breathe . # I found a photo from Prashanth's blog . And this one photo is his friends and him . And then there is this girl at the most-right . And the thing that pissing me off is that he had his hand over that girl's shoulder . I know him , and he never do that except . . . So I called him . And he was so angry about me being so childish . I was like , "Eh , matair mana tak marah nampak gambar macam gitu ?! Even wives are like that ! and you are saying I am childish ?!" Seriously Hilman , find a new word la . I want to be strong . And I did . When he hung up in the middle of the talk , I throw the phone wishing he would never call . I tried , "Do not call Hilman , do not call Hilman" But I did , just to tell him that whoever the girl is , I don't care . Then he do not want me to get revenge . He said , "I pandang dier stakat kawan lama I je . Tak lebih . Kalau I buat salah , I'm sorry ka...

I feel lost . I feel so hurt . I feel like I need someone badly . I feel like crying . I feel like I am missing someone . My heart beats so fast . My hands and feet are sweating . My mind think only the negative of you . Is this love ? It is hard to tell you what I am feeling right this moment . I feel like breaking up with you but I love you too much . I do not want to hurt you anymore , that is why I want to break . I do not want to make you angry everytime you see my face . But sometimes I do not know what I did wrong . And sometimes you are the one who is wrong but you scold me . You got it ? Maybe your love towards me never exist in you . Maybe you were just pretending . I know I could not read your heart . But what you are showing me shows everything . Everytime you tell me that "Only god knows" , really irritate me . What do you mean by that ? Were you trying to tell me you love me ? Or were you just STMF ?! I just wish you could be mine forever . Understood ?

Hilman , Can I stop loving you and leave you just like that ? I think KNOW we will not last forever . With your attitude and behavior like that , I do not think there are even the feeling live in you . You said you love me , but never show . You said you care for me & you said you missed me . But you seem like you never want to meet me at all . Yesterday you carried my heavy bag to interchange and back again . You said that it was okay . You said you could carry it . But what I see is that you kept on changing sides which means your shoulder was painful . I asked for the bag but you refused and you said you don't want my shoulder to hurt . But you never said that sweetly . You said it as if I did something wrong . At night you called me and you said you missed me a lot of time my I refused to answer . BECAUSE you never answer me EVERY TIME I asked you that kind of question . You said that I was 'action' . At least better than yours . Yesterday I jokingly said that I...

Muhammad Hilman Bin Abdul Latif . You are totally blowing me off ! Fuck la . You KNOW you are in the wrong and you maki-maki I ! You KNOW I am right about you . You KNOW you are looking at that girl and you deny it ?! So that is why I tell you to look at her if you want to . I won't force you at all . WHAT I AM PISSED OFF IS THAT , YOU EVEN DARE TO MAKI-MAKI I ! WHICH IS SOOOO NOT MY FUCKING FAULT !

Thinking (Really thinking) Okay , I cannot breathe ! My heart are compressing ! (Sound so weird) # After 8 minutes thinking You are getting on my nerves ! Or maybe I am getting on your nerves . I try to believe whatever sweet thing you said . But everytime I did , the next day it looks like you are lying . Another thing is you always pretend to forget whatever major thing you said to me . Example : The night before : I want to marry you bla bla bla . The day after : I did not even think of marriage bla bla bla . I do not understand you at all . And now you will forever be in my mind . Trust me , you cannot be forgotten ! Because you are ON me .

Like people say , when there's love there's sacrifice . Your bills is 180 bucks ! I swear I do not know where to find that amount of money . I want to help you EVERYTIME . But some of them I just couldn't . How can I find 180 bucks when I am not working at all ? I just wish I can help you . But I do not think I can . My family is going bankrupt sooner or later . If I am rich , I would help you in any way . But even if I am not , I will still help you . I need time finding that amount of money . I am feeling so bad when I know that I cannot help you at all . I love you Hilman .

Today's lessons mostly are 2 periods except Literature . So I have no mood to go to school . I called Him and he is still outside ! I told him I wanted to skip school . This is what he said : "You, takmo uh . Pergi sekolah je la . Kenapa tk nak gi sekolah ?" I said : "Malas ." I replied on A WORD , he said : "You come on la you , gi sekolah kay ? Think about your future la . I nak you ade future . Your future is my future jugak tau . You tahu I sekarang da tak ade future kan ? Kalau you ade future at least something . Kalau I dengan you tak ade future macam mana ? Don't worry la you , I tak akan buat ape2 kat sini . I tak ade pompan lain . Pergi sekolah please you ." You , let me tell you this . I don't think that is true . You gave me a clue that you want something from me . And yeah , you need some money from me . You became so so good today just because of that . You never change Hilman . I guess the part you say you want to marry me is just...

You , Everytime I think this : ::Are we compatible ? ::Are we suppose to be together ? ::Do you love me ? ::Will we be together till death ? ::Will we ever break up ? But I suppose the answer from you is all the positive . I need you the most Hilman . Only you . My life will never complete without you , Hilman . I never thought we could be together this long . I just wished you could see me whenever I think about you . Even if my tears reach the ground . It would be happy tear mostly because it have been a while we last quarreled . Please do not hurt me . Hidup Mati Hilman Afiqah .

Today report sick . I was having a bad flu till my nose was like a clown's nose . At school I was SO SO happy despite the flu . Why ? HILMAN WANTS TO MARRY ME ! # The phone went silent . Then out of the sudden he said, "You, will you marry me ?" I was like , "What ?! You da gila ?!" Then he said , "But seriously , do you want to marry me ?" I was young to think about this but he is already 21 . Me : I do . Him : Why me ? Me : Because I already love you a lot ! Him : But why you sayang I ? Banyak soalan pulak budak ni ! Me : You are different . I know you . Even if you jahat I -- Him : You ada serious gini dengan ex you ? Me : No . (I know you pena .) Him : Okay you dengar eh . I want you to know this . *Silence . Until I call him . Him : If you tak percaye tuh you nye pasal la . But in my MARRIAGE LIST , you are the FIRST ! Me : Owh , Okayyy (OH MY FUCKING GOD !) Him : You better treasure it . Me : Then if I am the first , there must be second third f...

I am letting some of you go . I let you have the freedom that you want . I want to trust and believe EVERY SINGLE thing you tell me . I don't want to have a broken heart . I don't want to know that you are lying . Even if you are keeping a girl or two , I don't want to know . It is your life , what for I control your life ? The main thing is I love you . And I always will .

I am not going to ever tell you this until it is the right time to . : : : I Love You alot . But listen , Sometimes I feel like breaking up with you . I just want to see what will you do without me . I just wish one day you could change just for me and come back to me . I accept whatever you are . I accept EVERYTHING you are now . So what are you trying to show me with all kinds of attitude you giving me ? This is what I plan . I will break us up and see for a week . If you ever thought of having a new girl , I am going ASAP ! This is how much I love you Hilman . URGH ! WHY CANNOT YOU SEE IT ! WHY ARE YOU STILL TORTURING ME ? I NEED TO UNDERSTAND YOUR FEELINGS ! URGH !

I swear , with all my heart , you will be mine forever ! I am sorry for hurting you . I know it is already too much chances . Promise , I won't do it again . READ ! # I decided to study with Hilman . So I brought my laptop to finish up my F&N coursework . And that was a very VERY bad idea of bringing laptop . He wanted to see his photos . So I show him . Then he took the mouse and look at my photos . I don't expect him to click on this one folder 'eMo.X.iQah' . It contains MSN chats with ALOT of guys . And I was SO SO really SCARED ! I pushed away his hand and close every windows . I told him that folder is a secret . He is so curious and asked me alot of times . After 30 mins of doing my F&N , he got my mouse and he hold me tightly . I cannot do anything . But luckily I got to delete Azrai's and Ahn's chat . He get to read some other guys chats . He promise not to get angry . But when he saw the first chat , he was bloody pissed off . I told him not to ...

Monday, February 16, 2009 Today is our 1 year 9 months . I remembered the date . But you did not . You remembered how long we've been together . But I did not . Fair and Square . For the whole day I was with you . And there was nearly a fight . Luckily I was there to stop him . But soon at night he wil be back for more . Sigh . I told you I won't be your last girl . You said I will . I told you one day you will stop loving me . You said I will stop loving you first . I told you to stop fighting or I will one day break with you . You said you fought a lot more before I met you . I told you that you are a liar . You said that I am too . WTF ?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA . You know about what lie ? You told me that even if you told me a lie , one day you will definitely tell me . That is kinda true . Tapi bila cerita da lama basi , baru nak bilang . Anyway , Prashanth told you that Yana saw us at explanade . And Prashanth said Yana is dissapointed . What fuck she wanna be dissapointed ?! I as...