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I lost to it . It wins . YOU win .

It was just a normal day like any other days . I woke up early to see him . I brought all my scrapbook equipments so that I could at least do something at his house . Oh and you have NO idea how heavy it was ! Everything seems normal . He helped me with my scrapbook . We laugh . We kid around . It was perfectly normal ! Until when I was finding for him and he wasn't around . Since CNB came over to his house , he is very cautious . He would always stand at the window and look out for them . But he wasn't there when I was finding for him . So I called for him . His mother said that he is in his room . He came out and I saw something that I know he is taking it . I pretended that I didn't know . I kept it inside of me . After I kept all of my things away , I approached him at the window . Me : You took it again right ? Him : Ape you ? Me : Stop pretending that you don't know . Him : You merepek ah you . Me : Siape yang merepek ? I or you ?! He kep...
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Our final months

I don't know how much more nonsense I could handle . Since the day I knew that he went back to taking it , our relationship was going haywire . I tried my best to stop him from taking it . But nothing I do could stopped him . We were on and off for 4 months now . I don't know whether there is still Love . But I know that no matter what , I will still love him . Come on , I waited for him for a year while he was in prison . There is my proof of my love towards him . But where's his proof ? The only thing that he would say , "I kalau tak sayang , da lama I tinggalkan ." That would be his exact words . He did everything that the worse boyf could ever do . Except for cheating and beating me . He lied . He used me . He threatened me . Vulgar language at every sentences . Don't ask me why I still love him . I just do . Because I know , somewhere inside of him , there is still hope for us . He tried to change . He succeed once . But then that thi...
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Amazing Night

We broke up on the 13th March . We broke up about the same thing again and again . But last night was amazing . I promised myself that that was going to be the final break up . And I will never see him ever again . My heart yearned for him . My skin crave for him . I can't live without him . I knew that all along . But every single time I think about what he did to me , I would hate him so much . But just that night , I remove all my hate towards him . I forget everything he did to me . I kept aside all my memories of him hurting me . Just that night I want him so badly . I texted him : Don't sleep tonight . I need your help . Please ? He was worried and wanting to know what was happening . I wanted to surprise him . That was just a little prank for him to not sleep yet . I went out at 11pm . I reached his house at 11:45pm I texted him : Are you still awake ? He replied : Yes , can you please tell me was is wrong ? You are making me worried I replied...
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I'm on Him .

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He really did it . I did not believe it at first . But he did . He really did it on his wrist . A place where he could see my name . I was mad when I saw this . I was really angry looking at this . I told him not to do it . But he did . He said he wants to prove his love . I don't need a permanent ink on his skin to prove his love for me . I need honesty and love . Something where you never give .
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Back to his first girlfriend - D .

It was a normal day . I was just excited to see him . It was almost noon when I reached his place . It all started to turn around when I saw a message from his friend . : Aku cuba tanye kay ? Man stop sudah la . And the FIRST thing that popped into my head was - DRUG . And I was right . He confessed after I asked him a lot of times . I cried when he wasn't looking . But he knew . Of course he knew ! I can't handle the pain anymore . I went out of his house and smoke and just smoke . Stick after stick . I let out all my anger , pain , everything . Then he came and sat beside me . Kept on saying sorry . Just sorry . I didn't say a thing . Not even a word . I feel like leaving him (Yes , a present tense .) But I know I can't live w/o him . I just wanna leave being suffocated . I left his house - hoping he would run after me . Note: He stopped running after me since he was released . Nothing . Not even a call . I sat down at our usual place , ...
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Last long message

His LAST long message before he went in . "Syg,i akn jaga u ngn baik dn penuh ngn kasih syg yg ikhlas trhadap u..u,terima kasih kerana slama ni u syg dn jaga i dgn baik dn ikhlas..syg bnyk berkorban untuk i..syg,skg i pula ingin korban segalanya untuk u..i syg dn cintakn u..u,maafkn smua kesalahan i slama ni u..i benar2 minta maaf..syg,i sedih teringtkn bila i uat u sedih dn menangis disebabkn i..maafkn i u..i sygkn u sorang je u.." Where is that guy that I know ? RIght now he blames me for everything . Even if I were to cry at night , he don't care . He just stop caring . Right now , it takes EVERYTHING in me not to call him .
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I can't handle myself anymore .

Maybe this is it ? I really do not know what to do now . All I can do now is hope that one day you realise how much I love you . I couldn't forgive you because I have a reason to do so . You've been apologising for the SAME mistake over and over again . And I'm stupid anough to forgive you every single time . But now , I can't . No more . When I ask you to leave me for a week , I hear from your voice that you really do not want it . I've known you for too long to know you well enough . But I need to leave you . I have to . I'm not going to contact you for a week . I'll get back to you by next Thursday . But that depends on you . I'm not asking for much . I'm just asking for your real love . For that Hilman that I once really fall in love with . That Hilman who I can see in his eyes that he is sincere .
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