Back to his first girlfriend - D .

It was a normal day . I was just excited to see him .
It was almost noon when I reached his place .
It all started to turn around when I saw a message from his friend .
: Aku cuba tanye kay ? Man stop sudah la .

And the FIRST thing that popped into my head was - DRUG .

And I was right .
He confessed after I asked him a lot of times .

I cried when he wasn't looking .
But he knew . Of course he knew !
I can't handle the pain anymore .
I went out of his house and smoke and just smoke .
Stick after stick .
I let out all my anger , pain , everything .

Then he came and sat beside me .
Kept on saying sorry .
Just sorry .
I didn't say a thing . Not even a word .

I feel like leaving him (Yes , a present tense .)
But I know I can't live w/o him .
I just wanna leave being suffocated .

I left his house - hoping he would run after me .
Note: He stopped running after me since he was released .
Nothing . Not even a call .

I sat down at our usual place , thinking .
I looked down at my phone - hesitated to call him .
But in the end I did .
I was crying so badly when I was talking to him .

And guess what ?
He was TOO TIRED to come down and see me . Like WTF ?
He just wouldn't go down to comfort me .

Few minutes after we talked on the phone , someone called him .
And he said he need to answer that . It was his friend .
But we were in the middle of a fight !
I said : If you love me , you will not answer that .
HE ANSWERED THAT CALL .

I AM hurt . Still hurting .
No one could understand how it feels like .
"It is like a hole had been punched through my heart ."
It really does .
I hated him that moment . I really hated him .

When he was back on , I can hear that he was getting ready to go out .
This is what happened .
I: Where are you going ?
Him: Ape ?
: I know you are getting ready to go out . So where are you going ?
: Jumpa kawan I .
: You can see you friend and NOT ME ?
: Skejap je you .
: Where ?
: Dekat je you .
: WHERE ?!
: Tampines . Ape you ?!
: TAMPINES ! I am just SO near waiting for you to come . But you prefer going there to see your friend?!
He kept quiet .

: Are you going to take that thing again ?
He kept quiet still .
: ARE YOU ?!
: Ye okay , ye !

I begged him . I begged him !
He was still going there .
He said that I'm crazy . He said that I was too noisy on the phone that the whole cab could hear me .
WHAT ?! No , really . . . WHAT ?!
He hung up when I was crying too much to talk .
He did that 4 times until I was too tired to even talk to him .

I called Dalila .
I needed someone to be there for me .
Everyone is telling me to leave him .
It was like a secondary school life all over again .
I really should have so that I won't be hurt all over again .

I sat down under his void deck alone .
I don't know whether to cry or be angry .
He never understood my feelings . He never did .

When he arrived back , we just went to our sitting place and just sat there .
When we started talking , he told me that I am the cause of his stress .
And that is why he took it again .
And when I asked him whether was he even thinking about me when he took it ,
He said he did .
HE DID ?! And he still took it !
Does he even love me ?

I was all that is until he reminded me I had an appointment .
I need to forget about that . So I went to that appointment .
And he wanted to accompany me .
I agreed .

We were much better after that .
I just temporarily forget it .

This time . I can't forgive and I can't forget .
I don't know what will .
But I really can't .
I do love you , Hilman .

I'll always do . Always will .